LIKE

courtesy of Coke

    "Not everything that I am shows on the surface. It's mostly kept inside.But I'd like to think that the greatest parts of me, the most truthful parts of me, come out in the songs that I write.And often times when I'm writing music, there's a blurry line between what happened and what I hope had happened.But the bottom line is it's all real.It's all my truth. And the story, well it's up to you to decide what really happened and what was just my imaginations."

-Marie Digby Breathing Underwater (Episode 1-Home)

TRAPPED

"The road is under construction. And there is no shortcut."

-Papa told me maybe a week ago

"Do you ever find yourself saying something like this? 'Lord, I give you my life, but I'm weary to death of this irritation, this person, this circumstance, this uncomfortable situation. I feel trapped, Lord. I want relief-- I must have relief! And if You don't bring it soon....well, I've had it. I feel like walking away from it all.'

You may walk, my friend, but there are no shortcuts. Here's a better plan: Reach for the hand of your Guide! He is Lord of the desert. Even your desert. The most precious object of God's love is His child in the desert. If it were possible, you mean more to Him during this time than at any other time... You are His beloved student taking His toughest courses. He loves you with an infinite amount of love."

-Wisdom for the Way, Charles Swindoll

MAKES SENSE?

"Lately," I've learned that not everything God asks us to do makes sense. Because what what makes sense can be understood by our minds. We can draw a  rational explanation why it happened or why it should be done. But since God said,  

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, 

 neither are your ways my ways," 

 declares the LORD." Isaiah 55:8 (NIV)

He is God. We are only humans. We question why and God seldom answers. Just as an animal can't comprehend much of the ways of man, sometimes, God works in ways we cannot fully grasp. Such times, the person who professes the faith can only rely on blind obedience; moreover, do the hard and painful way of waiting. 

PAINFULLY HEALTHY

Many people detest pain. Why wouldn't they? They would somehow agree with the definition I've learned from my nursing education, "Pain is an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with actual or potential tissue damage." (Medical-Surgical Nursing, Brunner, pge. 259).

It's like the worst of feelings anyone could experience. Little did we know that the pain we despise is actually a help. A typical example is when touching a flame becomes painless, you probably wouldn't react by withdrawing; most likely, you would end up getting a burn.

That's physical pain. How about the pain in the "heart?" With that, I mean not the pumping heart, which can be seen and hurted by any physical means.  I mean the heart that is hurting when someone you love abandoned you, or when people rejects you; the kind of pain that cannot be relieved by any analgesic or Morphine. Does it also help?

Sometimes when we are hurting too much, we get tired enduring the pain, so we just start ignoring it. 

We create a shield to protect ourselves from hurting again. But that shield, when made too thick and too hard, cannot only keep us from the pain we despise. It can also keep us from the feelings we enjoy.

One day, I woke up and the pain that used to nest in my heart seemed to have fled. But the joy that I thought replaced the pain I felt seemed to be gone as well.

The things that used to move me, hardly affects me anymore.

I even faked statements like "Oo, masaya ako"  when the truth really is, there's no joy in my heart.

I'm not sad, but I'm not happy either. 

It's feels bad when  you're in pain, but it feels even worse when the pain you feel turns numb.

Medically or spiritually, numbness is not a good symptom

I will quote some of the things I wrote in my journal:

"The worst feeling is when you feel NOTHING AT ALL!!! =("

"I am broken beyond repair. I'm at a loss of words to say. It's beyond pain. For a heart that is alive bleeds and cries out of pain. But mine, has been dead-- it cannot weep as before. All it knows is it is suffering and it needs help."

The worst blow went with my relationship with God. His presence I used to enjoy like the spring turned into what seems like His absence leaving me in a cold winter.

"It's been so long...How will I feel dead in my soul? in my heart?...God, how ?

I go to church, attend a service, sing at the top of my lungs but deep inside, I'm not really singing.

I listen to the preachings. I understand what the message meant. Still, my heart is unresponsive.

I read the Bible, I understand what it says but nothing strikes my heart.

I pray. I know what to pray for but when I start uttering my tongue in prayer, I'm lost for words. Until I just say the words I used to say."

I went like that for years. Intermittently or continuously, I don't know; but how I wished to be really 'okay'

Lately, everyday seems to break me. In every waking hour, confusion creeps in and the feeling of helplessness overwhelms me. Am I hurting? My family's financial problems, career dilemmas and boredom crush me. 

Sometimes, joy is elusive and pain keeps you company, instead. I grieve. But should I also celebrate? That at least I have a sign that my soul is still alive? That I could weep before God and somehow He comforts me in ways I do not even notice. Perhaps, these are painful seasons I have to embrace, and with this hope and by faith, good times would one day come back--- even if I have to wait.

WORD THAT'S BEEN IN MY HEAD: DETOUR

God, I don't REALLY know what will happen next. All I know is that you can make every detour I face, a turn to your unending grace & to your will that is always the best. Now, I can smile again. :)

THERE IS A TREASURE IN BEING BROKEN

"...About 2 years ago my family and I went to New York. At the United Nations-buildings we saw a huge mosaic, depicting  all nations and languages. This mosaic really impressed me. If you stood close by, you could only see the small pieces of tile it was made of. Tiles that can cut, that can hurt. But when you moved away and looked at it from a distance, you would only see the most beautiful of pictures.

I told Aldo to go and stand in front of the mosaic so I could take a picture. While I was doing that, the Holy Spirit said to me, “All the broken pieces of your life are nothing more than a beautiful mosaic of your future.” Those words touched me so deeply that I squatted right there to write them down in a notebook..."

-Retah MacPherson

http://www.rethamcpherson.com/AboutUs/OurStory/tabid/348/tabid/364/Default.aspx 

Those words caught me that I'm seated here, posting it, sharing it with you :)

FAITH-FULL?

November of last year was the last time I did a self-awareness activity with a group. Nursing students learned from Psychiatric Nursing the importance of doing a self check before working with clients who have mental illnesses.  On our part, we did an activity that opened ourselves to the group to write about each member’s two personal facets: the negative and the positive traits.

Last August, I spent almost a month in the province, and I had plenty of time there to think things through in my life.

The copies of what we wrote on that particular activity were not given back to us. But one thing I remembered sharply was me, being described as “faithful” by most of my group mates.

Then our Clinical Instructor asked, “Faithful to whom?” I pointed upwards as a response. To validate what I meant, he asked, “Are you born again?” pertaining to what he thought was my religion. He was right on saying I was born again-- though I don’t actually consider it as a religion. But to avoid further explanations, I just nodded.

Faithful. I rehearsed that thought over and over, drawing the fact that I just did an acknowledgment that I really am faithful to my God.

But to be honest with myself, and to anyone who might have been reading this. I am not.

My response when I pointed upwards might have been right if the question was “Faithful? Who?”

My faith is not all the time FULL. I doubt most of the time.

“Doubt always co exists with faith, for in the presence of certainty, who would need faith at all?”

-Philip Yancey, Reaching for the invisible God

I struggle a roller-coaster of faith every day. So it’s not a surprise when I frequently pray what the apostles exclaimed, “Lord, increase my faith!” [Luke 17:5].

And if "Everything is possible for him who believes." [Mark 9:23] comes to mind, I utter “I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief!” [Mark 9:24] once again.

God may not appear as faithful at times, but at the end of the “day” He will not lose the battle of faithfulness. Sometimes, we allow ourselves lose faith in Him before He starts proving His faithfulness on us.

I often tell God, “Your promises are always sure as you say, but my faith is not. So help me not to lose faith, because if I do, I will lose everything else—including all the good promises you have for me.”

“...I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” [Matthew 17:20]

Yes, even as small as this:

Today, God answered one of my prayers. I don't know why God prefers a slow unfolding of His will in my life. It is agonizingly slow-- according to my timetable, though. But I appreciate that "answer" today. At least, He has lessened the fog in front of me, just enough to show the next step.