BIDDING 2010 GOODBYE

from Google

It was year 2006 when I was branded “Batch 2010.” I was freshmen in the school of nursing and year 2010, back then, seemed to be remote. But there it goes, “Batch 2010” has already graduated and “Year 2010” is nearly over. Looking back, time indeed flew fast. So before the countdown to 2011 starts and fireworks dance in the night sky, I’ll try to look back and find some things that made this year “for a purpose.”

Year 2010 is the year I got 20 years old, graduated from school, got exhausted like never before while reviewing, passed a board exam, became a licensed professional, became a bum like forever, got restless and confused about what to do in life, got weird “stomach” sickness, felt the biggest blow financially, and worse, I nearly forgot about Christmas.

The second half of my year was, for me, filled with series of wrong decisions made and wrong attitudes displayed. It was a not so perfect year, yet I believe, I wouldn’t trade “my” year 2010 with somebody else’s year 2010. I may have made a lot of mess out of it, but it’s either I stumble and stay here forever or I stumble and get up, and since the game is not yet over, try again. Besides, a series of wrong decisions made and wrong attitudes displayed could lead to life lessons we could either choose to learn or to ignore.

This year, I learned that letting go and holding on, go hand in hand. Human nature says, it’s easier to be so tight-gripped about the bad things in life and just give up on the good things in life; just as when life offers you a bed of roses, it’s so easy to praise God but when life’s problems hit you hard, it’s easier to be mad at God and just run away.  But since I chose to take the narrow road, I must learn to live the other way around. There are three things I found to better let go:  if it’s not meant for me, if it’s not yet the right time, and if the situation is humanly impossible to solve. With that, it’s time to let go and let God. His promises and blessings, I need to hold on to, even if it looks like the hardest thing to do at the moment.

This year, I learned the value of “stillness.” I may appear as a silent person most of the time, but deep down inside me, silence finds an elusive place.  Silence, in fact, gives me an awful feeling.  I find myself, wanting to do something, all the time—even if unnecessary. “But I can’t just hit the accelerator all the time. Sometimes, it’s good to hit my brakes.” (joyce meyer)  My post board exam experience left me on the nuts. I was in my most confused state. I thought I was seeking God but, I guess, I was just blurting it all out on God.  I forgot that when you get lost on a road trip, you have to ask for direction, and to ask for direction, you have to stop.  You can’t ask where to go, while you are still on your own driving. Peace and rest gives God a good soil to plant whatever He wants us to do.

This year, I learned that I can only do one thing at a time. (What?) Yes, I used to multi-task everything. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that multi-tasking is a bad thing; it’s just that, what happened to me was, I fell into the destructive attitude of a “hurry.” I used to be preoccupied with what’s next and I failed to truly savour every bit of what’s in the now.

This year, I felt like majority of my time were spent in waiting. Most of the time, I was just too early. Other times, they were just too late.  At times, I was just waiting for nothing. Perhaps, God saw it fit for me to wait because my must-learn lessons are best learned through waiting. Patience is one.

Lastly, this year, I felt that I wanted to give up my relationship with God already...only to find out that I don’t know how to live without relating with Him anymore. Or perhaps, I’m letting Him go, like a child pulling his hand from his father’s hand while crossing a street, but He won’t let go since He sees the danger ahead. Or, He won’t let go simply because He loves me..even if He is not being loved back enough. I don’t know. I am nothing special on my own to be held this long. It’s just the Father’s love so strong..

Year 2010 is not my favourite year. This is not my favourite season either. But even if I feel like I’m merely crawling in my journey in life, I truly hope that as I take my exodus from year 2010, I will carry with me a better change on the genesis and the rest of 2011.

THE MANGER

"The manger wasn't a clean place.
It was smelly and messy.
Yet, God chose Jesus to be born in one.
For me, the manger has always signified
the state of the hearts of some.
...There must be a reason why Jesus was born in one.
I believe it is to tell us and make us know,
that regardless of the state of our hearts,
it is never too messed up for true love to be born in.
None of us are ever beyond the reach
of our loving friend, Jesus...the reason for the season."

-from http://twitter.com/#!/4ever_on_faith

(Gary Valenciano)

GOD'S CHRISTMAS DAY :)

     "The child born in the night among the beasts. The sweet breath and steaming dung of beasts. And nothing is ever the same again.

     Those who believe in God can never in a way be sure  of him again. Once they have seen him in a stable, they can never be sure where he will appear or to what lengths he will go or to what ludicrous depths of self-humiliation he will descend in his wild pursuit of man....

     For those who believe in God, it means, this birth, that God is never safe from us, and maybe that is the dark side of Christmas....He comes in such a way that we can always turn him down, as we could crack the baby's skull like an eggshell or nail him up when he gets too big for that..."

.... 

  "How did Christmas day feel to God? Imagine for a moment becoming a baby again: giving up language and muscle coordination, and the ability to eat solid food and control your bladder. God as a fetus!...On that day in Bethlehem, the Maker of All That Is took form as a helpless, dependent newborn.

     "Kenosis" is the technical word theologians use to describe Christ emptying himself of the disadvantages of deity. Ironically, while the emptying involved much humiliation, it also involved a kind of freedom. A physical body freed Christ to act on a human scale, without those "disadvantages" (of infinity). He could say what He wanted without His voice blasting the treetops. He could express anger by calling King Herod a fox or by reaching for a bullwhip in the temple, rather than shaking the earth with His stormy presence. And he could talk to anyone-- a prostitute, a blind man, a widow, a leper-- without first having to announce, "Fear not!"

Publish Post-Philip Yancey, Disappointment With God 

Merry Christmas everyone!:) 

GOD'S SILENCE— THEN WHAT?

     "I got this from Osward Chamber's Devotionals at utmost.org. It is something on time, and appropriate for someone like me, who has been on the rocks with her relationship with God. I can't take it in by just a big gulp. I need to take time chewing it, tasting it, and finally, by His grace, digest it down to my inmost self. I hope, His Spirit will remind me about this along the way, if ever I walk away from here again."

Has God trusted you with His silence— a silence that has great meaning? God’s silences are actually His answers. Just think of those days of absolute silence in the home at Bethany! Is there anything comparable to those days in your life? Can God trust you like that, or are you still asking Him for a visible answer? God will give you the very blessings you ask if you refuse to go any further without them, but His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into an even more wonderful understanding of Himself. Are you mourning before God because you have not had an audible response? When you cannot hear God, you will find that He has trusted you in the most intimate way possible— with absolute silence, not a silence of despair, but one of pleasure, because He saw that you could withstand an even bigger revelation. If God has given you a silence, then praise Him— He is bringing you into the mainstream of His purposes. The actual evidence of the answer in time is simply a matter of God’s sovereignty. Time is nothing to God. For a while you may have said, “I asked God to give me bread, but He gave me a stone instead” (see Matthew 7:9). He did not give you a stone, and today you find that He gave you the “bread of life” (John 6:35).

A wonderful thing about God’s silence is that His stillness is contagious— it gets into you, causing you to become perfectly confident so that you can honestly say, “I know that God has heard me.” His silence is the very proof that He has. As long as you have the idea that God will always bless you in answer to prayer, He will do it, but He will never give you the grace of His silence. If Jesus Christ is bringing you into the understanding that prayer is for the glorifying of His Father, then He will give you the first sign of His intimacy— silence.

PLAYING GOD?

Isn't it interesting to be God just for once?-- whatever your image of God is. Being God means being able to control everything. It means having the freedom from the boundaries of space and time. Yes it is interesting, but it can be interestingly dangerous as well. 

Humans have such inclination, whether we are conscious about it or not. We all want to become the gods of our own lives sometimes. We aim to do much in a lesser time, so we tend to overdo a lot of things. Life then,  becomes a race instead of a stroll, which we can slow down and marvel at what life offers us. We want to become "all people" to accomplish much. 

Life is like a drama on a stage. Everyone has his own role to play. The show might mess up if we keep on trying to act on the roles of others-- especially if that role is God's. It is wise to learn our finite parts since we can only do what we can do. The rest is up to God's omnipotence to allow others work on what is not yours to play. 

Most of all, we have to learn to step back to allow God to step in, so that He can do His stuff. Besides, it will please Him if we say,  "...not as I will, but as You will." [Matthew 26:39]

PICTUCARD

SHOULD I CARE?

Sometimes, my relationship with God doesn't make sense to me anymore. But should I really care? I realized that I should value God, more than the relationship I have with Him. Just as I should value a friend, more than the friendship. 

RARE

Clear, vivid moments with God happen rarely. Rare means it happens once in a while. Though it is seldom, it still happens. So if it does not happen to me now, should I still hope that one day, it will? Since such moments are called RARE, not NEVER. 

LOVE IS FREE

No one has the power to cause someone he loves to love him back. Well, God has. He is all-powerful as He says, but He chose not to use it. Love is something you cannot ask for. It's something you cannot beg for. It is freely given by someone who truly loves. And it hurts when you realize that the one you've chosen to freely give your love, is also free not to love you back.

Love is free; but you cannot have it all the time-- not the way you want, at least. 

ON THE WRITER SIDE

Writing was my first love. When I was a kid, I used to pick up books, read some stories I like inside, then I’ll try to make my own story. Kids are best in imitating things, and in my case, writing caught my interest.  My outputs back then were horrible! Haha. (that's from my present point of view; it was heaven back then) They were grammatically incorrect.  The themes were corny. And when I read them now, they look trash.

I used to have journals—or for "childish" version, diaries. When you get older and more mature, it’s sooo much fun to read stuffs from your childhood. Through time, you also learn from what you wrote. You learn how you used to be and how you've become. Unfortunately, all of my diaries from elementary to high school, including the poems I wrote, weren’t saved. Some were destroyed by the typhoons, some I just put into fire for deeper reasons, and some were submitted to school and I had no personal copies.

I’m a writer at heart.  I’m a letter writer, journal writer, poem writer—at mood, a blogger and was a news writer. In fact, the best days I had in grade school were the contests I joined in journalism. It’s almost 8 years since I learned the basics of news writing, but I could still remember them up to now. And the toxic life of being part of the school paper is something unforgettable from high school.

Maybe, that’s how it is. Your passion will always be your passion.  You don't care if you're not the best in it, but you do everything to become better with it.  Moreover, my Pen and Paper are one of the best listeners I ever had. 

"Why WRITE? Because we can. Because we’re forever finding ways to express ourselves in the brief amount of time we have to live. Because we might be mute someday. Write because you have a message. Write because you want something to block everything out and just read what you have to say. Because you want to say something and you don’t want others to judge you by your appearance, your accent, or stench, but by your message. Because you don’t want to keep repeating a command..because the dog next door might interrupt your speech again."

 -Lorenzo Marfil, Manila Waldorf School

(Philippine Star, August 24, 2010)

“Anyone can write. It’s not like a superhero ability that is only endowed to those ‘worthy.’ We all have ideas and opinions and there is always someone who wants to hear them. Do not be afraid to write because there’s nothing to be ashamed of. People have their opinions but what’s more important is that you did something beautiful. “

“Writing is everlasting. It makes you immortal. We have books from thousands of years back and these authors have become household names. Writing can also change the world. You can educate people through writing and make a difference in this world we live in. A writer can be the savior of our society.”

-Samantha Mae Coyiuto

(Philippine Star, Sunday Life, September 26, 2010)

“I love to write though it is such a nerve-wracking process. Whoever said that writing is easy should be used as a human keyboard by Gorillas with Ipads. Writing means pouring self on paper, exposing one’s thoughts to readers who have judgements of their own to make. But when the writing gets good — Oh, when the words snuggle together like newborn puppies — it feels so good to stare at a page suddenly alive with a heartbeat that only the writer hears.”

-Susan Ople

(Panorama Magazine, July 16, 2010)

BREATHING AND LETTING GO

"You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went. You could swear, curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go."

-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

At one point in your life, you have to let go. Whether it would be a person, a problem, a dream, or even a desire-- somehow, somewhere, you have to let it go. 

Letting go, for me, does not mean giving up. It comes from a heart, brave enough to admit that the thing he/she holds on to, needs to breathe and fly. 

Holding on too much can hurt-- to the object being held and to the person who holds. 

I've hold on to a lot of things thinking I should have it here-- now or never. But little did I know, it was making me too uptight and tensed, that I forgot to take a breather and relax for awhile. 

Four months. It has been almost four months since I took the nursing board exam. If the road to board exam was looong and rough, life after it was loooooonger, rougher and rockier. It was a time of thinking things through about my life. In fact, I thought too much, making my life miserable.

There so many things I want to do, so many things I long to have, so much more than doing Nursing. But it seems like everything I wanted are out of way-- as of now. Problems in money, career and spiritual dryness creep in, making everything more difficult to handle. Moreover, my idleness lead me to a boredom overdose. And I almost lost my appetite to life.

So here I am, I quit. I'm letting go. If this life seems to be "tough," I guess I just have to be "tougher." The universe is screaming at me to relax and face life. I'm letting go... It's time to pull my hands off and allow God do His work fully. I'll walk into life carrying this hope in me that somewhere along the way, I may find again the things I have freed, when the time is right. 

LIKE

courtesy of Coke

    "Not everything that I am shows on the surface. It's mostly kept inside.But I'd like to think that the greatest parts of me, the most truthful parts of me, come out in the songs that I write.And often times when I'm writing music, there's a blurry line between what happened and what I hope had happened.But the bottom line is it's all real.It's all my truth. And the story, well it's up to you to decide what really happened and what was just my imaginations."

-Marie Digby Breathing Underwater (Episode 1-Home)

TRAPPED

"The road is under construction. And there is no shortcut."

-Papa told me maybe a week ago

"Do you ever find yourself saying something like this? 'Lord, I give you my life, but I'm weary to death of this irritation, this person, this circumstance, this uncomfortable situation. I feel trapped, Lord. I want relief-- I must have relief! And if You don't bring it soon....well, I've had it. I feel like walking away from it all.'

You may walk, my friend, but there are no shortcuts. Here's a better plan: Reach for the hand of your Guide! He is Lord of the desert. Even your desert. The most precious object of God's love is His child in the desert. If it were possible, you mean more to Him during this time than at any other time... You are His beloved student taking His toughest courses. He loves you with an infinite amount of love."

-Wisdom for the Way, Charles Swindoll

MAKES SENSE?

"Lately," I've learned that not everything God asks us to do makes sense. Because what what makes sense can be understood by our minds. We can draw a  rational explanation why it happened or why it should be done. But since God said,  

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, 

 neither are your ways my ways," 

 declares the LORD." Isaiah 55:8 (NIV)

He is God. We are only humans. We question why and God seldom answers. Just as an animal can't comprehend much of the ways of man, sometimes, God works in ways we cannot fully grasp. Such times, the person who professes the faith can only rely on blind obedience; moreover, do the hard and painful way of waiting. 

PAINFULLY HEALTHY

Many people detest pain. Why wouldn't they? They would somehow agree with the definition I've learned from my nursing education, "Pain is an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with actual or potential tissue damage." (Medical-Surgical Nursing, Brunner, pge. 259).

It's like the worst of feelings anyone could experience. Little did we know that the pain we despise is actually a help. A typical example is when touching a flame becomes painless, you probably wouldn't react by withdrawing; most likely, you would end up getting a burn.

That's physical pain. How about the pain in the "heart?" With that, I mean not the pumping heart, which can be seen and hurted by any physical means.  I mean the heart that is hurting when someone you love abandoned you, or when people rejects you; the kind of pain that cannot be relieved by any analgesic or Morphine. Does it also help?

Sometimes when we are hurting too much, we get tired enduring the pain, so we just start ignoring it. 

We create a shield to protect ourselves from hurting again. But that shield, when made too thick and too hard, cannot only keep us from the pain we despise. It can also keep us from the feelings we enjoy.

One day, I woke up and the pain that used to nest in my heart seemed to have fled. But the joy that I thought replaced the pain I felt seemed to be gone as well.

The things that used to move me, hardly affects me anymore.

I even faked statements like "Oo, masaya ako"  when the truth really is, there's no joy in my heart.

I'm not sad, but I'm not happy either. 

It's feels bad when  you're in pain, but it feels even worse when the pain you feel turns numb.

Medically or spiritually, numbness is not a good symptom

I will quote some of the things I wrote in my journal:

"The worst feeling is when you feel NOTHING AT ALL!!! =("

"I am broken beyond repair. I'm at a loss of words to say. It's beyond pain. For a heart that is alive bleeds and cries out of pain. But mine, has been dead-- it cannot weep as before. All it knows is it is suffering and it needs help."

The worst blow went with my relationship with God. His presence I used to enjoy like the spring turned into what seems like His absence leaving me in a cold winter.

"It's been so long...How will I feel dead in my soul? in my heart?...God, how ?

I go to church, attend a service, sing at the top of my lungs but deep inside, I'm not really singing.

I listen to the preachings. I understand what the message meant. Still, my heart is unresponsive.

I read the Bible, I understand what it says but nothing strikes my heart.

I pray. I know what to pray for but when I start uttering my tongue in prayer, I'm lost for words. Until I just say the words I used to say."

I went like that for years. Intermittently or continuously, I don't know; but how I wished to be really 'okay'

Lately, everyday seems to break me. In every waking hour, confusion creeps in and the feeling of helplessness overwhelms me. Am I hurting? My family's financial problems, career dilemmas and boredom crush me. 

Sometimes, joy is elusive and pain keeps you company, instead. I grieve. But should I also celebrate? That at least I have a sign that my soul is still alive? That I could weep before God and somehow He comforts me in ways I do not even notice. Perhaps, these are painful seasons I have to embrace, and with this hope and by faith, good times would one day come back--- even if I have to wait.

WORD THAT'S BEEN IN MY HEAD: DETOUR

God, I don't REALLY know what will happen next. All I know is that you can make every detour I face, a turn to your unending grace & to your will that is always the best. Now, I can smile again. :)

THERE IS A TREASURE IN BEING BROKEN

"...About 2 years ago my family and I went to New York. At the United Nations-buildings we saw a huge mosaic, depicting  all nations and languages. This mosaic really impressed me. If you stood close by, you could only see the small pieces of tile it was made of. Tiles that can cut, that can hurt. But when you moved away and looked at it from a distance, you would only see the most beautiful of pictures.

I told Aldo to go and stand in front of the mosaic so I could take a picture. While I was doing that, the Holy Spirit said to me, “All the broken pieces of your life are nothing more than a beautiful mosaic of your future.” Those words touched me so deeply that I squatted right there to write them down in a notebook..."

-Retah MacPherson

http://www.rethamcpherson.com/AboutUs/OurStory/tabid/348/tabid/364/Default.aspx 

Those words caught me that I'm seated here, posting it, sharing it with you :)

FAITH-FULL?

November of last year was the last time I did a self-awareness activity with a group. Nursing students learned from Psychiatric Nursing the importance of doing a self check before working with clients who have mental illnesses.  On our part, we did an activity that opened ourselves to the group to write about each member’s two personal facets: the negative and the positive traits.

Last August, I spent almost a month in the province, and I had plenty of time there to think things through in my life.

The copies of what we wrote on that particular activity were not given back to us. But one thing I remembered sharply was me, being described as “faithful” by most of my group mates.

Then our Clinical Instructor asked, “Faithful to whom?” I pointed upwards as a response. To validate what I meant, he asked, “Are you born again?” pertaining to what he thought was my religion. He was right on saying I was born again-- though I don’t actually consider it as a religion. But to avoid further explanations, I just nodded.

Faithful. I rehearsed that thought over and over, drawing the fact that I just did an acknowledgment that I really am faithful to my God.

But to be honest with myself, and to anyone who might have been reading this. I am not.

My response when I pointed upwards might have been right if the question was “Faithful? Who?”

My faith is not all the time FULL. I doubt most of the time.

“Doubt always co exists with faith, for in the presence of certainty, who would need faith at all?”

-Philip Yancey, Reaching for the invisible God

I struggle a roller-coaster of faith every day. So it’s not a surprise when I frequently pray what the apostles exclaimed, “Lord, increase my faith!” [Luke 17:5].

And if "Everything is possible for him who believes." [Mark 9:23] comes to mind, I utter “I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief!” [Mark 9:24] once again.

God may not appear as faithful at times, but at the end of the “day” He will not lose the battle of faithfulness. Sometimes, we allow ourselves lose faith in Him before He starts proving His faithfulness on us.

I often tell God, “Your promises are always sure as you say, but my faith is not. So help me not to lose faith, because if I do, I will lose everything else—including all the good promises you have for me.”

“...I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” [Matthew 17:20]

Yes, even as small as this:

Today, God answered one of my prayers. I don't know why God prefers a slow unfolding of His will in my life. It is agonizingly slow-- according to my timetable, though. But I appreciate that "answer" today. At least, He has lessened the fog in front of me, just enough to show the next step. 

BAD DAY

Sometimes, God allows chaos in our lives.Our plans mess up. Our times wasted. Our energy spent seemed to be useless. Such times tempt us to look back and regret everything we did and wonder about the things we should have done.

But as always, we can't worry forever about the things we can't already change.

Anyone who thinks he/she did a mistake can, "...forget what is behind, and strain  toward what is ahead..." [Philippians 3:13] Anyone who feels he/she missed God's best, "...from there, He can gather us and bring us back..." [Deutoronomy 30:4] to where we should be.

One of my favorite lines in Joyce Meyer's Never Give Up is, "...if you miss  God somehow, don't worry, He'll find YOU..." One of the best things about being a believer of the Living God as I am is we can always choose to hope... Hope that God can use even our most terrible mistakes, "..ultimately to serve His purpose.." "...God can turn it around and use it for your advantage..." AGAIN.

One of my most-said prayer lately is that God would give me the courage to face the unknown ahead, and not to allow fear to stop me even just to try. And among all the noises in my head, all the options, alternatives, plan A's and B's, God would help me "Be still.." [Psalm 46:10] and help me listen to my heart, as it echo what is in His heart.

*italicized words from Bible (NIV), 

Never Give Up (Joyce Meyer),

Reaching for the Invisible God (Philip Yancey),

Joel Osteen (Become a Better You)