PAINFULLY HEALTHY

Many people detest pain. Why wouldn't they? They would somehow agree with the definition I've learned from my nursing education, "Pain is an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with actual or potential tissue damage." (Medical-Surgical Nursing, Brunner, pge. 259).

It's like the worst of feelings anyone could experience. Little did we know that the pain we despise is actually a help. A typical example is when touching a flame becomes painless, you probably wouldn't react by withdrawing; most likely, you would end up getting a burn.

That's physical pain. How about the pain in the "heart?" With that, I mean not the pumping heart, which can be seen and hurted by any physical means.  I mean the heart that is hurting when someone you love abandoned you, or when people rejects you; the kind of pain that cannot be relieved by any analgesic or Morphine. Does it also help?

Sometimes when we are hurting too much, we get tired enduring the pain, so we just start ignoring it. 

We create a shield to protect ourselves from hurting again. But that shield, when made too thick and too hard, cannot only keep us from the pain we despise. It can also keep us from the feelings we enjoy.

One day, I woke up and the pain that used to nest in my heart seemed to have fled. But the joy that I thought replaced the pain I felt seemed to be gone as well.

The things that used to move me, hardly affects me anymore.

I even faked statements like "Oo, masaya ako"  when the truth really is, there's no joy in my heart.

I'm not sad, but I'm not happy either. 

It's feels bad when  you're in pain, but it feels even worse when the pain you feel turns numb.

Medically or spiritually, numbness is not a good symptom

I will quote some of the things I wrote in my journal:

"The worst feeling is when you feel NOTHING AT ALL!!! =("

"I am broken beyond repair. I'm at a loss of words to say. It's beyond pain. For a heart that is alive bleeds and cries out of pain. But mine, has been dead-- it cannot weep as before. All it knows is it is suffering and it needs help."

The worst blow went with my relationship with God. His presence I used to enjoy like the spring turned into what seems like His absence leaving me in a cold winter.

"It's been so long...How will I feel dead in my soul? in my heart?...God, how ?

I go to church, attend a service, sing at the top of my lungs but deep inside, I'm not really singing.

I listen to the preachings. I understand what the message meant. Still, my heart is unresponsive.

I read the Bible, I understand what it says but nothing strikes my heart.

I pray. I know what to pray for but when I start uttering my tongue in prayer, I'm lost for words. Until I just say the words I used to say."

I went like that for years. Intermittently or continuously, I don't know; but how I wished to be really 'okay'

Lately, everyday seems to break me. In every waking hour, confusion creeps in and the feeling of helplessness overwhelms me. Am I hurting? My family's financial problems, career dilemmas and boredom crush me. 

Sometimes, joy is elusive and pain keeps you company, instead. I grieve. But should I also celebrate? That at least I have a sign that my soul is still alive? That I could weep before God and somehow He comforts me in ways I do not even notice. Perhaps, these are painful seasons I have to embrace, and with this hope and by faith, good times would one day come back--- even if I have to wait.