PAINFULLY HEALTHY

Many people detest pain. Why wouldn't they? They would somehow agree with the definition I've learned from my nursing education, "Pain is an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with actual or potential tissue damage." (Medical-Surgical Nursing, Brunner, pge. 259).

It's like the worst of feelings anyone could experience. Little did we know that the pain we despise is actually a help. A typical example is when touching a flame becomes painless, you probably wouldn't react by withdrawing; most likely, you would end up getting a burn.

That's physical pain. How about the pain in the "heart?" With that, I mean not the pumping heart, which can be seen and hurted by any physical means.  I mean the heart that is hurting when someone you love abandoned you, or when people rejects you; the kind of pain that cannot be relieved by any analgesic or Morphine. Does it also help?

Sometimes when we are hurting too much, we get tired enduring the pain, so we just start ignoring it. 

We create a shield to protect ourselves from hurting again. But that shield, when made too thick and too hard, cannot only keep us from the pain we despise. It can also keep us from the feelings we enjoy.

One day, I woke up and the pain that used to nest in my heart seemed to have fled. But the joy that I thought replaced the pain I felt seemed to be gone as well.

The things that used to move me, hardly affects me anymore.

I even faked statements like "Oo, masaya ako"  when the truth really is, there's no joy in my heart.

I'm not sad, but I'm not happy either. 

It's feels bad when  you're in pain, but it feels even worse when the pain you feel turns numb.

Medically or spiritually, numbness is not a good symptom

I will quote some of the things I wrote in my journal:

"The worst feeling is when you feel NOTHING AT ALL!!! =("

"I am broken beyond repair. I'm at a loss of words to say. It's beyond pain. For a heart that is alive bleeds and cries out of pain. But mine, has been dead-- it cannot weep as before. All it knows is it is suffering and it needs help."

The worst blow went with my relationship with God. His presence I used to enjoy like the spring turned into what seems like His absence leaving me in a cold winter.

"It's been so long...How will I feel dead in my soul? in my heart?...God, how ?

I go to church, attend a service, sing at the top of my lungs but deep inside, I'm not really singing.

I listen to the preachings. I understand what the message meant. Still, my heart is unresponsive.

I read the Bible, I understand what it says but nothing strikes my heart.

I pray. I know what to pray for but when I start uttering my tongue in prayer, I'm lost for words. Until I just say the words I used to say."

I went like that for years. Intermittently or continuously, I don't know; but how I wished to be really 'okay'

Lately, everyday seems to break me. In every waking hour, confusion creeps in and the feeling of helplessness overwhelms me. Am I hurting? My family's financial problems, career dilemmas and boredom crush me. 

Sometimes, joy is elusive and pain keeps you company, instead. I grieve. But should I also celebrate? That at least I have a sign that my soul is still alive? That I could weep before God and somehow He comforts me in ways I do not even notice. Perhaps, these are painful seasons I have to embrace, and with this hope and by faith, good times would one day come back--- even if I have to wait.

WORD THAT'S BEEN IN MY HEAD: DETOUR

God, I don't REALLY know what will happen next. All I know is that you can make every detour I face, a turn to your unending grace & to your will that is always the best. Now, I can smile again. :)

THERE IS A TREASURE IN BEING BROKEN

"...About 2 years ago my family and I went to New York. At the United Nations-buildings we saw a huge mosaic, depicting  all nations and languages. This mosaic really impressed me. If you stood close by, you could only see the small pieces of tile it was made of. Tiles that can cut, that can hurt. But when you moved away and looked at it from a distance, you would only see the most beautiful of pictures.

I told Aldo to go and stand in front of the mosaic so I could take a picture. While I was doing that, the Holy Spirit said to me, “All the broken pieces of your life are nothing more than a beautiful mosaic of your future.” Those words touched me so deeply that I squatted right there to write them down in a notebook..."

-Retah MacPherson

http://www.rethamcpherson.com/AboutUs/OurStory/tabid/348/tabid/364/Default.aspx 

Those words caught me that I'm seated here, posting it, sharing it with you :)

FAITH-FULL?

November of last year was the last time I did a self-awareness activity with a group. Nursing students learned from Psychiatric Nursing the importance of doing a self check before working with clients who have mental illnesses.  On our part, we did an activity that opened ourselves to the group to write about each member’s two personal facets: the negative and the positive traits.

Last August, I spent almost a month in the province, and I had plenty of time there to think things through in my life.

The copies of what we wrote on that particular activity were not given back to us. But one thing I remembered sharply was me, being described as “faithful” by most of my group mates.

Then our Clinical Instructor asked, “Faithful to whom?” I pointed upwards as a response. To validate what I meant, he asked, “Are you born again?” pertaining to what he thought was my religion. He was right on saying I was born again-- though I don’t actually consider it as a religion. But to avoid further explanations, I just nodded.

Faithful. I rehearsed that thought over and over, drawing the fact that I just did an acknowledgment that I really am faithful to my God.

But to be honest with myself, and to anyone who might have been reading this. I am not.

My response when I pointed upwards might have been right if the question was “Faithful? Who?”

My faith is not all the time FULL. I doubt most of the time.

“Doubt always co exists with faith, for in the presence of certainty, who would need faith at all?”

-Philip Yancey, Reaching for the invisible God

I struggle a roller-coaster of faith every day. So it’s not a surprise when I frequently pray what the apostles exclaimed, “Lord, increase my faith!” [Luke 17:5].

And if "Everything is possible for him who believes." [Mark 9:23] comes to mind, I utter “I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief!” [Mark 9:24] once again.

God may not appear as faithful at times, but at the end of the “day” He will not lose the battle of faithfulness. Sometimes, we allow ourselves lose faith in Him before He starts proving His faithfulness on us.

I often tell God, “Your promises are always sure as you say, but my faith is not. So help me not to lose faith, because if I do, I will lose everything else—including all the good promises you have for me.”

“...I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” [Matthew 17:20]

Yes, even as small as this:

Today, God answered one of my prayers. I don't know why God prefers a slow unfolding of His will in my life. It is agonizingly slow-- according to my timetable, though. But I appreciate that "answer" today. At least, He has lessened the fog in front of me, just enough to show the next step. 

BAD DAY

Sometimes, God allows chaos in our lives.Our plans mess up. Our times wasted. Our energy spent seemed to be useless. Such times tempt us to look back and regret everything we did and wonder about the things we should have done.

But as always, we can't worry forever about the things we can't already change.

Anyone who thinks he/she did a mistake can, "...forget what is behind, and strain  toward what is ahead..." [Philippians 3:13] Anyone who feels he/she missed God's best, "...from there, He can gather us and bring us back..." [Deutoronomy 30:4] to where we should be.

One of my favorite lines in Joyce Meyer's Never Give Up is, "...if you miss  God somehow, don't worry, He'll find YOU..." One of the best things about being a believer of the Living God as I am is we can always choose to hope... Hope that God can use even our most terrible mistakes, "..ultimately to serve His purpose.." "...God can turn it around and use it for your advantage..." AGAIN.

One of my most-said prayer lately is that God would give me the courage to face the unknown ahead, and not to allow fear to stop me even just to try. And among all the noises in my head, all the options, alternatives, plan A's and B's, God would help me "Be still.." [Psalm 46:10] and help me listen to my heart, as it echo what is in His heart.

*italicized words from Bible (NIV), 

Never Give Up (Joyce Meyer),

Reaching for the Invisible God (Philip Yancey),

Joel Osteen (Become a Better You)

SOMETHING I CAN ONLY ASK

[written on August 21, 2010]

“God and I as unequal partners....” mentioned by Philip Yancey

Who would have thought that such relationship could exist? It seems like God has “learned” the language of humans like these humans have to “learn” the language of their pet dog, or to Bo Sanchez, of a worm, to keep such an “unequal” relationship. “Learning” the language starts a communication, and communication is where any relationship starts.

The simplest definition of communication I learned from College English was it is a two-way process of exchanging information. There’s a sender, a channel, and a receiver. Then the receiver, in turn would become the sender, there’s a feedback, then the sender is now the receiver.

I relate to God by praying. And God relates to me as well, though not always the way I hope He would.

The fact is, I struggle hearing from God. I mean, I know His general will: “to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me hope and a future..” I know the do’s and don’ts: “Do not steal,” “Do not murder,” “Honor your mother and father...” But there are some specific things I ask God and in turn, hoping to get a specific answer, which means I need to hear directly from God. I need to discern something—but I’m not sure I did.

Joyce Meyer, in her book How to Hear from God, pointed ways how God communicates to His people.

• wisdom and common sense,
• through people,
• through my own mouth (words),
• correction,
• persistent promptings,
• heart’s desires,
• conviction,
• conscience;

these, I found to be the usual ways God “talked” to me.

Then it goes deeper:

• through His Word, (or Rhema, which is God’s spoken words)
• through visions, dreams and prophecy, something I feel that are so elusive to me;
• peace that transcends all understanding
• and the most mysterious to me: through a still small voice.

Since I don’t think I had one moment of it, it’s a whole new dimension I long to have: something more personal, more intimate.

Quoting from Philip Yancey’s Prayer, Does it Make Any Difference? words I can also own:

“So I have a problem with God. I have never had a conversation with him; I have never heard his audible voice. Though I sometimes feel powerful religious emotions, I am cautious in interpreting my impulses and feeling as messages from God. I do not want to take the Lord’s name in vain. I do not want to say, “The Lord told me,” when in reality I heard a mental recording of my mother’s voice. I have spent any number of hours talking to God, and he has not yet answered back in a voice that was undeniably his.”

-Knowing the Face of God, Tim Stafford

Meanwhile, there are some words I treasure since God spoke it as a personal message to me, though He spoke not directly to me:

“Don’t worry; you’ll see your daughter leap in joy.”

He told those words to my mom when I was so bothered, I’m about to fail a subject back in college.

(God does care for our littlest concerns. Back then, those moments were so heavy for me, but at present I could laugh at myself for allowing such state take over me.)

“It’s worth it.”

He spoke that through my friend, Kevin. Whatever God meant, those words were encouraging especially in times when I am chaotic inside and my light of hope is dim. And through the same person He told me, He is always thinking of me.

Those are few words I hang on that God could be “personal” to me as well.

I appreciate God’s every attempt to relate to me deeper—even though he does through other people. And I cannot imagine how happy would I be had God talked to me first hand.

I wish I could draw the line between an encounter with a fellow believer telling me, “God loves you,” and an encounter with God, telling me personally, “I love you.”

I long for it: a God moment when I know without a doubt that the voice I hear and the leading I feel are His, not of my own.

I couldn’t understand why the encounter I long for is something He easily gives to anyone else, to some, who doesn’t even desire it the way I do. I don’t understand why He prefers to give it to people, who don’t even ask for it the way I used to.

Joyce Meyer emphasized in her book How to Hear from God, that to be able to hear clearly from God, one must be “still” – being in a quiet place and waiting upon Him to speak is of value. But how about Joel Osteen’s story about a woman yelling at God, “I hate you!” then God replies, “This is the first time you’ve spoken to me, and I just want tell you that I love you.” What about a Muslim bargaining with God, then God suddenly shows up? What about Paul persecuting the church, then Jesus suddenly speaks, “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me?”

Then I learned that there is no absolute formula on hearing the “voice” of God. God speaks when He wants to and He does not when He does not want to. God talks “audibly” to whom He wants to. And it hurts to realize that “at the moment,” I am not of them.

When people speaks about that “voice,” I could already find similarities like it is “the gentlest, most loving voice..” And the common experience of perfect peace that filled their hearts; yet here I am who cannot even quote the words, “The Lord told me..”

Being an unequal partner that I am, I have no power to dictate a God how He should relate to me. That encounter I hope for, that voice I long to hear—are something I cannot have on my own. No effort is enough to move God the way I long He would. It’s something I can only hope for, something I can only wait for, something I can only ask.

MOSTLY GREEN's

Ang buhay ay parang pagkuha lang ng isang magandang litrato...

...palaging may magandang anggulo,

...Kailangan mo lang hanapin. :)

*P.S. Mas maganda sana kung may DSLR camera ako,
di bale, alam kong magkakaroon din ako nun. :)