CAN'T GET ENOUGH

One of my favorite applications in facebook is "...On this day, God wants you to know..."

I dont know how, but everytime I'll try it, I get a message fit for me at that moment. Like this one which I just got earlier..

On this day, God wants you to know...
... that God sees you as you truly are, - a holy child of light: I see you strong and whole. I see you blessed and prospered. I see you courageous and confident. I see you capable and successful. I see you free from all limitations or bondage of any kind. I see you as the spiritually perfect being you truly are.

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because my feeling has been telling me the opposite of what is being told above.

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God, I can't get enough.. I want more. :)

RIZAL ON HIS MULTILINGUAL ABILITY

"...It is also a misfortune to understand various languages because, thus, one has more occasions to hear stupidities and nonsense. Lord, I said, thinking of God-- because regardless of what the friars say, I believe in God-- if for six or seven languages that I scarcely understand I sometimes have unpleasant moments because of nonsense I hear, what moments would God have, God who understands all languages, not only of men but also of animals? If I who am little less than ignorance itself am so irritated to hear stupid designs of only one man, how will God feel, God who is wisdom itself? How will God feel when he hears our stupid intentions, our foolish pretensions and especially the qualifications and attributes of those who dare to measure, define and interpret God, those whose occupation is ignorance, whose dogma is blindness, whose covenant is obscurantism..."

-Dr. Jose P. Rizal, Rizal Without the Overcoat (Ambeth R. Ocampo)

BARELY HOLDING ON

Broken. There are times like this,when I feel like my own soul sings this song. It owns it. It feels it. Is this new to me? No, I've felt this so many times. In fact, it came to a point when I can no longer feel it. Then, I'll feel it again.

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like You've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In Your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to YOU

The broken locks were a warning You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a Purpose, they're still looking for Life

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what You will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the WORDS you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home...

ME THEN.. TIL NOV. 17,09

AN AUTOBIO MADE AS A REQUIREMENT DURING MY MENTAL HOSPITAL DUTY. :) Dunno what part of my brain was working.. I was soo tired then. Fortunately, I was able to make it up to 5 pages just as our Clinical Instructor instructed. :p

People often describe me as a quiet, academically inclined, and deep person. I am, but much more than that. People who are closer to me, those who’ve been with me for years know me better. I’m thankful that people like them know that I’m not that serious as most of other people think of me. Perhaps, I am that kind of person whom you need to spend more time with for you to know well.

I’m 19 years old, and hopefully, 3 months from now, I would be in the second decade of my life. :) I was born in Sharjah, United Arab Emirates on February 6, 1990, where my mother has been working as an OFW even before she and my father got married. According to my mom, I stayed in UAE for only fifteen days, and then she flew with me here in the Philippines. I am an only child because my mom had some reproductive disease before in which she cannot be able to conceive another child anymore. Being an only child is not that easy! No, I’m not a spoiled brat like others often think of an only child. Growing up, I have longed for a younger brother to tease with, or an older sister I can hang out with, who would giggle with me about stupid stuff. Well, that longing is still here. Sometimes, it’s strong whenever I see one, big, happy family around. Sometimes, it’s buried deep down in my heart but as I get along with myself I know that I have already accepted the fact that this what God has planned. And everything He planned is for a good reason.

I spent my childhood and elementary years in Agno, Pangasinan. That’s until 12 years of my age. Our place there is what I call home, although I don’t feel that at home anymore whenever I go back; maybe because a lot of things have changed already.

I grew up with my grandmother and grandfather (both from the father side), whom I call Nanay and Tatay; Nanay’s sister, whom I call Mama Fem; my Auntie, Uncle and Papa.

I used to be a lola’s girl maybe because my Mom only goes home during Christmas or Summer so Nanay was my mother figure back then. She is the one who’s always present at school during PTA meetings, Closing Ceremonies and in Contests I’ve joined. She is someone who should stay by my side at night so that I could sleep, someone who would chase after me with a thin, long stick whenever I did something unacceptable. I love her and Mama Fem so much. I remember that when I was just a kid, I prayed to God that He won’t allow Nanay and Mama Fem die.  Now, of course, I know that it’s not really possible, and never will be possible for any human being. So every time I go back to Agno, I try to make the most of the opportunity to show them how much I care and love them.

My childhood was, I think, normal; except that I was more excited to meet my playmates because I had no one to play with at home. I also enjoyed whenever my Mom and our relatives from abroad and Manila spend their vacation with us in Pangasinan. I really loved spending time with my cousins, especially every time we go home with black and painful skins after enjoying the beach. I have had enough visits in Hundred Islands and Sabangan beach back then. Family Reunions are incomplete without going there. If I only knew back then that those reunions will be fewer through years, I would have enjoyed them more before! Well, now, most of us are busy already and some of my tito’s and tita’s have developed conflicts. It’s just something I really miss because some things in the past can’t just happen in the present anymore.

During my elementary days, I used to be shy and really quiet but not that much anymore when I reached grades 4 up to 6. I think it’s because that time I started to join several contests, mostly in essay writing, quiz bee’s and journalism. For me, those times where the most unforgettable especially when I and some of my classmates were qualified to join contests in other places. I even had a chance to go in General Santos City in my 6th grade.

My high school life is a major turning point. I went from a not-so-uncivilized province, to one of the largest cities of the Philippines, Quezon City; in one of most unlikely streets of Bago-Bantay. My mom decided to enroll me in a high school in the city so that, according to her, I would not be that maninibago when I’ll enter College. I stayed with my mom’s sister and her family for four years. That was a major change, not only in my environment but also in my lifestyle. Their place was so small. Literally small, and with neighbors closer than what I see in our province. Good thing, my school, Quezon City Academy along EDSA and beside SM North Annex, is just a walking distance and I could go to the mall easier.

I think I had the most drama in life during high school. That was the time when me and my mom would often fight over the phone because I thought I could not take the life in that place anymore. That was the time when I cried alone in my room because I feel—Alone. Maybe because I just miss everyone and everything in the province. That was the time when I feel the weight of my problems heavier because I have no parent to talk to—like stuffs that I don’t know how to open up with my Aunt and my cousin. So I didn’t know I was becoming a rebel to my parents already. I talk back to them harshly. I raised my tone, my voice until they walked out of the house out of disappointment. I thought, back then, that they were not there when I needed them the most. My mom told me she could not understand me anymore and that worsened the situation because she is someone whom I’ve expected to understand me more than anyone else.

My aunt and cousin are born-again Christians and when I have to live with them, I was confident I won’t be like them! I knew I won’t be influenced by their religion which I thought was weird and I’ll be okey. That was my plan, but God’s plan was different. They never forced me to join with them to attend in their church but there were times I had no choice but to join. Every day I watched them reading their Bible and I never tried opening a page to read. I’ve seen them regularly pray before meals but I never joined them. Until I didn’t realize I was already regularly attending their church. I loved the songs, the atmosphere… It seems like there was a feeling inside of me that it is a place where I also belong.

There was a time when the Pastor was talking about a book titled The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. Of course, my Aunt bought one. One time, I tried to reach the book. One page, I thought. I’m just going to read one page. “It’s not about you, ” was the first words I’ve read. Then my eyes couldn’t get off the words that followed. The author was not presenting a religion, he was presenting a Person: a person who longs to have a relationship with me, to hear me speak to Him, a person who’s interested in my life that He even wants me to use that life for a Purpose, a person whom I knew by name, but never at heart, a person who knew I can never leave a life of sin by my own good works that even if I have to die to pay for my sins, it would still not be enough because everything inside me is actually sinful. He is the only Person qualified to die for me. At the cross, he paid it all. So I would not have to pay for my sins anymore. What He only asks of me is to put my faith in Him and receive Him as a Savior and a Personal God.

I’m telling all these things because from that moment I responded to His call, I was never been the same. It affected ME until the person I am right now. I’m not saying that I am already perfect like an image of a Saint, such as there’s a halo on my head and wings on my back. No, it’s just that everything I am from that time is under His influence already. My life has been patterned to what the Bible says I should live, which is His words. I’m trying to be good not to gain His favor but because it is my response to what He has done for me. My life has been rooted to Him and for Him. I tried to change my behavior towards my parents because I want to please Jesus. I’m trying to do my best in school because I want to offer Him my grades. I tried to be in control with the thoughts in my head and with the words of mouth because I don’t want to hurt Him. Yes, sometimes, I still do some crazy stuff. I get mad. I cheat. I curse. I sin.. But it’s not the same… I’m not happy doing all those things anymore because I know I’m not making Him happy. That’s what I mean. 

When I graduated high school, I was enrolled in Far Eastern University-NRMF and my parents decided to Fairview, where I could be nearer to my school. That means another major change on my part. Here we go again, I thought. I would have to leave my Aunt and cousin, whom I‘ve spent four years with. That means I will have to adapt to another environment and meet new people. But unlike before, it was easier for me to adjust since I already had a relationship with my God. My father also decided to live with me. It was a nice thing because I was never close to my father before. But since there are only two people in the house, which is me and him, we were given a chance to know each other more and develop a better relationship. I never thought before that I could laugh and joke with him like I do now. I thought he was just a serious, scary father in my childhood but now, he is a gentle, loving and a good friend to me.

When I moved to Fairview, I also prayed to God that He would give me a church, where I would be with His people who will help me grow in Him, since I knew I was leaving my church in my former place. Thankfully, He has given what I’ve asked for.

I am also thankful that I’ve met new friends way back first year college, who are good friends to me until now. They’ve made the chill year unforgettable when we were just a freshmen.

I also learned in College that I had a problem with my voice tone whenever I speak to my friends. I never thought it was wrong since I never intended to speak that way to hurt people, until I met some people friends who feel rejected every time I speak. I was hurt when I learned about that on my attitude but later I realized that it was good thing since I knew that they were honest enough to tell me about it and there is something in my attitude I need to change.

Few months from now, God willing, I will be a graduate: not only from school but also from another stage in life. I’m blessed to learn and to unlearn as well. Right now, I’m thankful for the things that I came across with since then, whether good or bad. If not for those things, I won’t be this person I am right now. There are still a lot to improve but I’m enjoying the process. I guess it is what’s truly important. :)

IRONIES

It's not new to hear that life is full of ironies. Personally, I've bumped into several ideas that are quite contradicting but seem to go hand in hand. I just thought that it is ironic, but it is true.

I've learned that...

If I need courage to fight, I need more courage to surrender.

If I need the zeal to move, I need more zeal to be still.

If I need wisdom to speak, I need more wisdom to listen.

If I need a big heart to be strong, I need a bigger heart to admit that I'm weak.

If it's painful to know that you've been lied to, sometimes it's more painful to know the truth.

If I need the will to live, I need more will to die.

If I need strength to hold on, I need more strength to let go.

Maybe, the most unforgettable irony; yet the most painful for me is that I have to go through God's absence in my life, in order to enjoy more of His presence. Well, God has never been absent. In fact, He's always present. But one doesn't always have the pivilege to feel it, right?

It went for days, weeks, then months, and years. It seems like Someone's familiar touch has withdrawn from me til it left me feel lonely and abandoned. I've been through tough times of sleeping at night and waking up in the morning without the warmth of His presence in my heart, anymore. I've been through series of questioning Him "Why?" and the need to know what's wrong also consumed me. It seems like Someone had run away and I was left behind. Like a game of hide and seek, He is nowhere to be found. But then, all those questions left unanswered until I realized that I'm left with the opportunity to submit myself to God's sovereignty: that He is free to reveal or conceal Himself; until I learn that times like these should come, for without these circumstances that allow doubt, how would my faith grow stronger? How would my soul rise to a higher level? I should be thankful to be given a favor to develop a faith in which God puts premium- a faith that strives even in His hiddenness.

Knowing Him gives me hope that one day, He'll surprise with a presence closer than I could ever have expected.

Well, ironies like these should not surprise us that much from a God who has been ironic from the beginning. A God who uses the weak to lead the strong, who choses fools to shame the wise. A God who has been Savior in a manger. A God who turned a a murderer into a preacher,a shepherd into a king, and who even made the universe out of nothing! :)